It’s that time of the year again, you know the day that makes me a year older. “Oh Susan it’s only a number, get over it already” Hmmm not that easy.
Right. So I’m moving away from the big 4.0 and I’m changing the 0 to a 1.
Oh boy, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that my life would change soo drastically.
You know, this time last year, when I decided that I was going to change things up a bit, I never thought that moving out of the farm would be one of those changes, or new actions I would have to take.
Reading in last years journals about my worries of becoming 40 and being scared that my life wasn’t going anywhere. I read pages and pages all about the dreams I had of traveling back to Paris with my hubby and all the other fine places I planned for us. All these things never happened.
My big 40 turned out to be one hell-of-a-crapy-year.
Filled with tears to fill a bath tub. Screaming and shouting on my part (I got the calm, quiet, patient farmer that no amount of screaming at will budge).
You see, I knew inside that there had to be more out there waiting for me, new adventures to be had. No idea of what kind of adventures but it would be fun. I just knew I had to change things up or I would go crazy. I didn’t want to go on this adventure on my own mind, I wanted hubby to come along with me.
Yep you’re right, you can’t take a farmer away from his farm. You can’t get a farmer to come on longer adventures with you. Farmers don’t like change. No amount of planning on my part will help him drop everything and move (I don’t mean sell up the farm or anything, just take one step out of it). Changes scare farmers, well all men really.
Change scares me too but I know it necessary if you want to break free of any routine.
Yes you could say, I scared the s**t out of him by even suggesting change. At first he thought it was just something that I needed to get out of my system, so he waited, like he does. He was fine with me taking online classes so that I would be happy. But I wasn’t, I wanted more. And that’s when s**t hit the fan.
Am I on the right road?
You remember the blog post about my trip to Holland blog post here. That was to find me and find out what road I was going to take. An escape to think things over and find my path.
I had no idea where this road was or is leading me, but it feels good. I kinda know what I want, I’ve been journaling about it for ages. I just have to reach for it, not be too scared to move and try out new things.
What I do know is that I want more out of life. I want to live more fully.
I have had to let go of friends, like they say you are the average of your closest friends. So friends who stopped me from growing or who didn’t understand me had to go.
Now, I made this decision for myself. What I didn’t realise was that if you are married and you want to stop visiting your friends, this also affects your partner. I didn’t see it like that, I didn’t even consider it being a problem.
Me being me (pig-headed) thought that Jack Canfield and Tony Robbins were right. That my friends had to go if they weren’t helping me grow, easy. But in these books they don’t mention how your partner is going to feel once you have set things in motion.
So when I mentioned that I wasn’t going to any birthday parties any more. That I didn’t like birthdays anyway, so I wasn’t going to anyone else’s. Also that I would not be taking part in any village activities, apart from 1 (see what I mean about being pig-headed)
This all came as a shock to hubby, but the poor man didn’t let on.
Now you see I don’t just stop by telling him what I’m changing, noooo I throw out quotes from Tony and Jack, and give my reasons for being right.
And man, when I start talking and giving my opinions, I’m a bull dog,,,,, I don’t let it go until I’m understood!!!!
Now, you could say that I have no friends left. which is only half true, I do have the odd friend here and there 😉 But you know what, I’m not worried because I know I will meet others along my road (and I have).
But back to hubby and
Why what I did wasn’t ok on my part.
Even though I didn’t say that he couldn’t go to birthdays or has to stop taking part in villages activities. I didn’t realise that you just don’t do that to your partner. You don’t just send them on their merry way and say have fun. Especially if you live in a small town and you have people asking why I’m nowhere to be seen.
What is the poor man to say?
I didn’t think about that. I didn’t care what people thought of me anyway. But to someone who has been living in this town all his life, what people think about you is kinda important. How was he going to explain to people what I was going through if he had no clue himself. You know I would have said “Oh she’s going through an english thing…you know what she’s like…different” and laughed it off.
It started to get really hard for him to come up with excuses for me. He had to start listing to people talk badly about me. That must have been really hard for him to come home and put on a brave face, and not tell me. He knows me, I would have exploded and told him something like “See I Told Ya” …so he said nothing.
A partner can only take so much change at a time
I’m like a bag full of bees. Keep me locked up, I get out, I will sting.
This change that I was going through affected hubby and our marriage. My change opened my eyes to my hubbies resistance to change. Comfortable with the way our life was, he has no problem with doing the same thing day in and day out.
How did I help him through my change? I didn’t help. I made things worse because I thought he had to understand me. He had to see things the way I saw them. He had to want to change now didn’t he???? Why didn’t he want things to change, wasn’t he as unhappy as I was???
What would I do differently today???
I would talk more about my change. I would explain the stages that I’m going through much better than I had. I wouldn’t assume that he wanted things like I did.
I would try to explain, that I didn’t think that what we have is bad. That I just want to see if there is another way to go about things. Experiment on new ideas. That I don’t want to change all of our life together, just some parts of me and of it.
That I would like him to accompany me on my road but only parts of the way which he feel is a right fit for him.
Hmm, also I wouldn’t share all my thoughts with him, the ideas that I had. This is what scared him the most. I was just throwing out ideas and seeing if they would fit. He was trying to work out how he could solve my problem for me, how he could make my dreams come into reality. Errrr wrong, I wanted to do it for myself not have him do it for me. So next time I will talk to my journal or a girl friend 🙂
Remind him it’s my journey, my problems which don’t need to be solved by him, just to have my back if things go wrong. Some ideas are just that, just ideas, they might not be what I want or need. I’m throwing my thoughts out into the air and see which ones I catch and which ones fall on the floor 😉
I wouldn’t push my thought onto him, or my change.
My change so far
- I’ve moved out of the farm have my own place
- I have invested money in my growth
- I have slowly cut back my teaching hours
- I have taken up Bible study again
- I have connected with wonderful women online and offline
- I have started to draw again
- I’m out and about more with my dogs and in my garden
- I have slowly started to find out more about me and my needs
- I add more self-care into my life
- I’m happy most of the time
- I understand a marriage much better and it’s does and don’ts much better
- I’m less scared of going places on my own
- I’m finding out more things I like and leaving things that I don’t like
So how will my new year look like?
It will be filled with connection and love, loads more understanding. And Freedom.
Are you changing?
Tell my about your change, are you scared of change or do you embrace it?
I would like to connect with you, join my list and jump on a Free Birthday Month call with me.
Have a lovely day, I’ll be off birthday shopping with my daughter 🙂